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Hello beautiful world

Mar. 1st, 2014 | 10:39 am

I'm really excited to continue writing this journal again. I can't say I missed it, because I didn't really remember I have ever owned it and wrote about my life here. I absolutely forgot about it over the time and thight schedule. But now that I redescovered it yesterday, I'm pretty sure something good will come out of it. The fact that I found my long lost blog didn't happen by accident. I like to believe that, at least. I guess there is a reason that happened. There is a reason why I couldn't sleep at night lately, I've been stressed, found out I didn't have real friends in my life. I was delusional about the people I thought were my friends. I guess everyone is just so selfish. But that's another story I'll be updating my blog with.
I'm really excited to restart this journal again, and hope I'll find some friends here.
But if I don't, writing for myself is nice too (no, it really isn't, but oh well).


Miss Nowhere

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A monster inside my head.

Jan. 10th, 2012 | 11:09 pm
mood: depresseddepressed

I should be studying right now, but there's something on my mind that won't let me study... or be normal.
Anyway, there's a stare that I've been getting lately. From a guy. A hot one. Whenever I looked at him, he's there, staring at me. I couldn't really tell if he's staring at me like I killed his family, or did he liked what he's been staring at. But it was impossible for me not to notice that. At first I was ignoring the hottie and his hot stare, cause honestly, why the heck would someone that hot stare at average girl like me? But then, I mentioned the whole stare act to my friend. She went totally mad, saying he's crazy about me and something about me being stupid enough not to see that. Honestly, she changed the way I see things now.
After she tried to convince me that the hottie had hots for me, it suddenly hit me... Hottie sitting next to me in class, saying my hair is beautiful... my eyes are amazing color... liking the same music as me...
I couldn't believe that! I couldn't believe that I was taking all that as compliments from a friend. From a friend who could never be more than that to me, cause he's just too beautiful for a girl like me. He's 'out of my league'.

I was told many times by my parents, sister, friends and lots of other people that I don't value myself the way I should be. And they're right, I don't. There had been many times I thought of I was worthless. And I know that I have qualities that most of people don't. But still, there is something in my head, telling me over and over how everybody around me are better, how I'll never be good enough to others.

If you're still waiting for the moral of this story, I will leave you disappointed (again). I don't know what to do with this guy. What to do with myself. He really is everything I ever wanted. Not just the looks, he likes the things I like. We have things in common.
But I guess I'll never approach him. It's just the way I am. There is this barrier in my head, that won't let me interact with people, start a convo with a guy I like, or be a normal teenager. I hate it from the bottom of my heart, but I can't get rid of it.
I want tp, but I don't know how. Every time I choke when a guy wants something more from me, I want to break that horrible thing into million pieces. But I can't.
I had so much will to fight my own shyness or whatever it is. I put so much effort in it. There had been time I got so close... But then it just slapped me in the face so hard, and I was back at the start where I began. And now I'm  thinking I don't wanna fight it anymore... Is there a point?

You can't say I'm a quitter. I tried a million times. I failed. I'm sad and I can't believe I'm going to let go a keeper like himself. But I've got a feeling that whatever I do, it'll end up like it always does. And that feeling is tearing me apart. 

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Spring break is so over :(

Apr. 25th, 2011 | 11:22 pm
mood: accomplished
music: White Lies

I hate when I come back home from being away, and start feeling so anxious about my life going back to normal. I'm scared of the same old things, of this monotony.

I had amazing holidays at the seaside. And now I'm back to the same old people, same old things that I do over and over again. But I guess that's life. We have to deal with everything, good, bad, boring, exciting...

I've always lived with a tendency to appreciate the little things in life.
According to that, during my boring 6-hour-car-drive I've discovered that White Lies are an amazing band. I just adore their music, songs, lyrics, the emotion brought in the vocals and guitars and everything. Amazing!
I'm so happy I discovered them :D
Yeah, I really am.
And, that Harry McVeigh is such a hottie! Seriously, he's so awesome, he's everything I want in a guy.
A lot of people say he's totally random, but that's definitely not random where I live, just saying.

P.S. Actually, Andrew Garfield is all I wanted in a guy :)

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She threw it all down a river

Apr. 12th, 2011 | 07:17 pm
location: Croatia
mood: amusedamused

She was standing in the middle of garden like the most beautiful flower
Like she's the part of my imagination and my music
She was listening to my song, the last one I am singing to her
Now I'm saying goodbye, although she was my life

But tonight she should listen and hear the pain
In this song which I am singing for her, only her
She should carry a sign on her heart forever
Cause she threw away a life.

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Since I've stopped loving you

Apr. 12th, 2011 | 07:01 pm
location: Croatia
mood: artistic
music: Indexi

This feeling returns, like the one after illness
It scares me when I think where it could've taken me
I'm smiling again, you wouldn't recognize me
Like I'm free, learning to eat again, learning to walk again

Since I've stopped loving you
Once again
The rain
Lost sounds and all the colors
With no man I share

Since I've stopped loving you
There's someone waving from the train
I'm empty, but it's easier
Since you're not what I want

I asked people how long this will last
Can I die, will I later regret
I bothered people, I made ​​a panic
The light is too strong, till the eyes adapt

Since I've stopped loving you
Once again there's nobody.

It's originaly on croatian, and I know I didn't translate it properly.
You can't feel the right vibe when it's translated on other language, but this is the best I could do. So, here you go.

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Adieu tristesse, bonjour tristesse.

Mar. 25th, 2011 | 06:45 pm
mood: blankblank
music: Katy Perry

Farewell sorrow, hello sorrow
I see you in every curve of the sky
I see you in the eyes that I love
You are not absolute poverty
Since the poorest of lips denounce you
Ah with a smile.

Bonjour Tristesse
Love of kind bodies
Power of love
From which kindness rises
Like a bodiless monster
Disappointed soul
A beautiful face.

Paul Eluard (1895-1952), French poet

I'm not quite sure if I know what love feels like, but I do know what sadness feels like. It feels like this.

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You say you love me, I blush.

Dec. 5th, 2010 | 03:12 am
mood: crappycrappy
music: Landon Liboiron

Sometimes I want to be someone other than me. Sometimes I want to be noticed by someone I don't even like. Sometimes I want to think that I was born on the other side of the world. That I can get what I want and live the way I want. That I can feel love. That I can feel tears down my face, cause pain teaches. I want to hear your words. I want to see your lips moving and your eyes closing. I want you to hold my hand and feel your skin. Give me the piece of your precious energy that is bursting in you. Give me your attention. Look at me! Let your eyes meet mine and send unspoken words until we go blind. Smile at me. Make my heart explode. Control your lips, make them touch mine in front of everyone in the world. Close your eyes to everything you hate on me. Run your fingers trough the guitar and never stop. Cause that's the way my mind wants to remember you.

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